How to Stay Sane When Your Man Suffers from March Madness
Every February, boyfriends across the country find themselves in a similar situation, temporarily losing their manhoods while showering us with roses, chocolate, and dreaded stuffed animals. Expected to be sensitive, thoughtful, and romantic, men suffer through Valentine’s Day, eagerly looking ahead to March Madness coming to their salvation, serving as a national redemptive celebration to reinstate masculinity. Unfortunately, some men slip into a near comatose state and who has to suffer the repercussions? Their unlucky girlfriends, of course. Here are the five extreme male fans and helpful suggestions for how their girlfriends can deal with them:
1. The Boyfriend Who Gets Fat
Your boyfriend used to have a six-pack of rock solid abs that looked like they were chiseled by the gods out of precious stone. However, as the days in March fade away, so does the definition of his glorious abdominal muscles. The main culprit of this tragic physical downgrade can be revealed in one word: CHICKEN. During March Madness, your boyfriend’s daily cardio hour gets replaced by happy hour. The only thing he has lifted the past few weeks is wing after wing to his salivating mouth. His idea of a workout circuit has become: 1. Lift wing, 2. Dip in blue cheese, 3. Eat, 4. Flush with beer. This circuit consists of 15 reps and is performed daily.
How To Deal:
You don’t want to offend your boyfriend, so be subtle about his weight gain. To infuse a bit of exercise into his schedule, suggest going on dates that involve physical activity. Try planning a beach day, morning hike, or scenic bike ride. That way, your tactics are sneaky, yet effective. Please note: these dates must obviously be planned accordingly around the game schedule. If all else fails and your boyfriend is breaking all the furniture around your house, don’t hesitate to lace his wing-dipping sauce with laxatives. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
2. The Boyfriend Who Gets Depressed
You never thought your boyfriend was capable of publicly displaying sensitivity…until his fantasy bracket didn’t work out. Uh-oh, brace yourself. He’s pouty, jaded, depressed, and acting moodier than a chocolate-starved, PMS-ing, seventeen year-old girl who just got dumped. His new favorite phase is “the world is over,” and he mumbles it over and over as he sits in dirty sweats in a dark room with the blinds closed. If you try to rationalize with him about how “it’s just a game,” he will stomp his feet, whine, and complain, “you just don’t understand!” As you walk away from the dispute you think to yourself, “yeah, you’re right. I don’t understand how a grown man with his own apartment and job is sobbing over a missed free-throw harder than I did when I was eight and my cat died.”
How To Deal:
Give him time and space. Use this opportunity to get out of the house and do something for yourself. Escape his poisonous, negative attitude and breathe some fresh air. Partake in calming activities such as light reading and listening to Adele. Look at this as the perfect occasion to jump on the “Hunger Games” bandwagon.
3. The Boyfriend Who Gets Arrogant
On the polar opposite end of the spectrum, your boyfriend may be the guy whose fantasy bracket was predicted with brilliant clairvoyance and he won’t let anybody forget it. If you hear the phrase “BOO-YAH” one more time, you seriously may strangle this cocky man. He praises himself tirelessly and compliments his genius as you roll your eyes and remind him yet again that you know he just won another $200 bet (he has told you seventeen times in the past forty-five minutes to be exact). His over-confidence drove him to Vegas for the Sweet Sixteen, and he left all by your lonesome for the weekend. For three days, you pondered in solitude why on Earth he wanted to go to a teenager’s birthday party…
How To Deal:
This is a no-brainer. Take full advantage of his bet winnings. Let him keep going to Vegas, and then let him take you to ritzy dinners when he comes back.
4. The Boyfriend Who Gets A Crush On A Player
As women, we crave attention. We need it to survive. When we are neglected and demoted to the #2 spot on our man’s priority list, there’s gonna be a problem — especially when another man occupies the #1 spot. It isn’t uncommon for hardcore March Madness fans to develop “man crushes” on players and fall a bit in love with them. At first, you understand because you’ve developed girl crushes on the Victoria’s Secret models during the annual fashion show. But, when your man can recall every single statistic of a player in under 3.5 seconds and stutters when you ask him what your favorite color is…we lose all empathy. For goodness’ sake, you haven’t received a compliment in days, yet during the entire game he notes, “Man, my boy’s arms are so swole!” “Did you see how much air he got?!” “He’s a God of the court!” “Look how fresh his Nikes are!” As you listen to him rant about his “man crush,” your green monster of jealousy comes out and wonders how much longer it’ll be until he notices your new haircut.
How To Deal:
Get a crush on a player too! You can look, but you can’t touch, right? The players are young, athletic, tall, and on their way to the NBA, so go ahead and fantasize a little.
5. The Boyfriend Who Gets Turned On and Off By His Bracket
His team didn’t win the game today? You’re definitely not gettin’ any tonight. His team scores? So do you. For the past few weeks, this is how your sex life has been: completely dependent on the successes and failures of his bracket. Your needs and desires are completely out-weighed by his emotional rollercoaster. He selfishly expects you to be out of the mood and consolatory when his team lets him down, and ready to celebrate at a moment’s notice when his team pulls through. At the beginning of March Madness, you could not possibly care less about the teams, expected champions, or stats. Now, because your sex life solely depends on a silly bracket, you find yourself completely invested in the tournament, desperately rooting for boyfriend’s team and screaming vulgar obscenities at the ref when he rudely hinders your shot at getting action tonight.
How To Deal:
Your best bet is probably to catch the deadly “March Madness” as well. Make this a fun bonding experience as a couple. If you start learning about the tournament and cheering for the same teams, your emotional wavelengths and sex drive just may align. But no matter how badly you catch the madness, resist the wings at all cost.